Is real change possible?
Exploring the possibility of reinventing ourselves at the new year
By Donna Gordon Blankinship
Transcript Editor
Nobody’s perfect: Noah gets drunk. Miriam gossips. Moses loses his temper. Abraham lies. Jacob favors one child, Joseph, over all his other children.
Even the heroes of the Torah would need to confess if they went to High Holiday services this year. But change isn’t easy. Chances are, as human beings, Noah, Miriam, Moses, Abraham and Jacob would make some of the same poor choices this year as last.
Is there any hope of exiting that revolving door? Is real change possible?
Local rabbis and therapists interviewed for this exploration of change say it is possible. We each have at least one opportunity in life to completely reinvent ourselves. And they point to the 10 days between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur — the Days of Awe — as a perfect time to reflect on your life and target the areas you would like to improve. Self improvement is an important part of Jewish tradition.
Hundreds of years ago in a yeshiva in Europe, Rabbi Yisroel Salanter suggested Jews devote a portion of each day to study and another portion to bettering oneself. According to Rabbi Moshe Kletenik of Bikur Cholim-Machzikay Hadath, Salanter called the opportunity for turning over a new leaf a great gift God has given the Jewish people.
The Jewish calendar sets aside a special time for change at the beginning of Jewish year.First comes Rosh Hashana or the Day of Judgment, when the “Book of Life” opens and the names of those who will live and those who will die during the next year are inscribed. Then comes Yom Kippur or the Day of Atonement, when we are supposed to ask God and our fellow human beings to forgive us for our wrongs and promise to do better in the next year.
Some people may find the order of the holidays, with the Day of Judgment before the Day of Atonement, illogical, says Rabbi Avi Hyman, executive director of The Seattle Kollel and scholar-in-residence at the Capitol Hill Minyan of Bikur Cholim-Machzikay Hadath. Wouldn’t it make more sense to atone for your sins before being judged? Hyman says the unusual order is intentional. Rosh Hashana is liberating. We can start over again with a new year. While we’re still in that new year mindset, we may be better equipped to deal with our problems.
Some people say modern psychotherapy has its roots in these Jewish traditions. Spend a few days talking to rabbis and therapists and you begin to see the connections very clearly. It’s amazing how many times members of these two “helping professions” offer similar insights and advice concerning change. Here’s one example.
Robin Moss, Jewish Family Service clinical director, offers a five-step method for initiating change: decide what you want to change, set realistic expectations, break them into achievable, smaller goals, give yourself credit for your successes and seek help.
Rabbi Kletenik offers similar suggestions: try to make small, incremental changes, rather than trying to do it all at once; have a positive self image and look at yourself as a whole human being with strengths and weaknesses; seek professional psychological help for the difficult problems. “(Change) is not something magical that just happens.”
All these ideas fit in well with the process for teshuvah — or repentance — as outlined by Maimonides in the Mishneh Torah, Laws of Repentence: regret a past deed; make a firm commitment to not return to the error in the future; verbalize your regret in a confession to God or the person you have wronged; ask for forgiveness and rectify the wrong; reform. Anyone familiar with 12 step programs may see some similarities, but I think we can all agree that Maimonides said it first, during the Middle Ages.
“Judaism really has this great faith in the power of the individual to really change their life,” says Rabbi Jonathan Singer of Temple Beth Am. He cites the example of Rabbi Akiva, who was illiterate until age 40 when he decided to study and later became a great rabbi and one of Judaism’s great teachers. He mentions the Zionists of Europe who left their jobs as shopkeepers and became farmers in Palestine.
But do the High Holidays really present a better atmosphere for change than any other time?
“The prophet said seek out God when he is near. Our sages say that refers to the 10 days between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur,” says Kletenik, who explains that he takes this statement literally: that God is near to Earth and listening to our prayers at this time of the year.
The piercing sound of the shofar also can open the door to change, according to Rabbi Hyman. “It penetrates through the layers to the real us that we want to return to,” Hyman says, adding that the name of one of the shofar sounds, Tekiah, means to penetrate. “The shofar allows that deeply hidden and deeply encrusted person we want to get back to, to escape once again.”
Even if the shofar doesn’t speak to you and you do not find a spiritual reawakening during the holidays, the 10 days can offer a break from the everyday and an opportunity to step back and reflect on the past and the future. Some people find the rituals of Yom Kippur especially provide an atmosphere for personal exploration.
The combination of fasting, warm weather, overcrowded sanctuaries and a lack of air conditioning leads to lightheadedness and sometimes fainting on Yom Kippur. Lightheadedness combined with boredom may encourage a few minds to wander during services. This creates a ripe atmosphere for introspection. Have you ever noticed how many times we repeat certain prayers during a day of high holiday services? Why do you think we repeat them? One acceptable answer is: to make sure everyone gets at least one chance to say the real important words, with meaning. So, don’t feel guilty about allowing your mind to wander. That’s part of the process.
“When I go through times of feeling distressed, it is the stepping back that Judaism asks me to do, to see the miracle of the moment, that helps me go forward,” says Singer, adding that certain prayers and Jewish rituals are especially helpful to him personally, such as the quiet, contemplative Havdallah service that marks the end of Shabbat and the beginning of the new week.
So, we just sit back and relax and allow our minds to wander ... and change will come. Well, not exactly. The other half of the message is: change is difficult.
“When I think about change, I think what it means is people willing to take a risk and come out of their comfort zone,” says Jeffrey Lewis, Ph.D., a JFS psychologist who has also worked extensively in the public school system.
Lewis says a person must first take responsibility for what he has done to create the current situation, within reason, as there are many things that are not within your control. Then recognize the benefit to not changing: there must be something you value that is keeping you in that situation. Visualize how change will impact your life and look for the positive and negative impacts: it could change the equilibrium in your family, for example.
“It’s important for people to understand their motivation for wanting change,” he says, using weight loss as an example: is your motivation to please others or to feel good and be healthy?
Once you’ve explored these issues, try to make a change. If you need motivation, join a support group, seek help from friends and family, contact people in similar situations, read a self help book on the subject. Give yourself a chance to make progress and experience change. If these methods are not working, everyone interviewed for this article recommended seeking professional help from a therapist.
“Most people have a specific situation or issue they want to address. We help them become more focused. We help them weigh their options. We do a lot of problem solving ...” Lewis explains. But the hard part, deciding to change and making it happen, is mostly up to the individual, although it can be helped by a good match with a therapist.
Some people find enough guidance in a caring friend or relative, or in a book or video. Moss says there are advantages to professional help versus personal assistance. “For a lot of people, it’s somebody they don’t have to see in another context. It may be hard to be seen as confused or unsure by a friend. With a therapist, there’s a sense of safety ... of not having to uphold any perception that people have of them,” she says.
Lewis adds, “You go to a friend if you have a problem. A therapist is just a step further.”
He cautions people to be selective in choosing a therapist, and evaluate a prospect with all your consumer skills before deciding if they are someone you want to work with. Even then, the process may or may not be successful. It depends on your willingness to change.
“Not everybody makes change in therapy. A person has to be ready for change,” Lewis adds. “Some people are not ready to make those steps and deal with the consequences.”
But what happens to those problems if we decide not to deal with them?
“Some things disappear. Some things crop their ugly heads back up again, if we haven’t dealt with them. Then we’re going to find them harder to deal with as time goes on,” says Rabbi David Rose of Herzl-Ner Tamid Conservative Congregation.
He says the heroes in the Torah can offer inspiration for change. Most of the people in Bible stories exhibit both great strengths and also great weaknesses. “Hopefully we can see ourselves in the people,” Rose adds.
When it comes to solving everyday problems, he believes in setting small, concrete goals for every year, instead of attempting dramatic changes and possibly failing. “A big destination takes place with the same first steps. It’s just taking the first steps that are really important,” he adds.
Rose says when you take a positive step, tell your friends, tell your family, so they can give you the positive reinforcement you need and deserve. Then, when the next High Holidays arrive, you can look back at the year with a sense of accomplishment and not just regret at the goals you did not achieve.
“None of us is perfect. We all have room for improvement.” And if you think you are perfect, you probably stopped reading this story long before now.