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Obituaries 101
By Donna Gordon Blankinship
Transcript Editor
I’ve wanted to write this story for a long time.
But every time the idea pops back up, I push it aside. Who would
want to read a story about writing an obituary? Who wants to
think about such things when it’s not necessary?
My answer is, we all should. No one can avoid this subject forever.
And if you are prepared, you may be able to give this important
part of a family member’s life the care and consideration
it deserves.
The topic came to mind again when an obituary for someone who
had lived 102 years came over the fax. It was three sentences
long. I was appalled. Surely there was something more to say
about this matriarch. I called the family and requested more
details. They did their best to oblige me, but didn’t really
feel it was necessary. All her friends and most of her family
was long gone. Who in the community cared about her passing?
I cared. Others do as well. When an obituary is printed in The
Jewish Transcript, the whole Jewish community has an opportunity
to learn a little about a person who was part of our extended
family. How can we recognize our loss if we don’t know
what we had to lose?
So, here are my tips for writing an obituary. You can take them
or leave them. I hope some of you will give some thought to
this subject. And when the time comes, I hope you will make
an attempt to send something more than a formula obituary and
share a little something of your loved one’s life with
the community.
• Preparation can help. If you have a parent or aunt or
uncle you are close to who is over 50, spend time talking to
them about their life. Find out what accomplishments they are
most proud of. If you feel comfortable, ask them to tell you
what they would want in an obituary when the time comes. A friend
who knew her mother was dying asked her some questions at an
appropriate time during her final months. Later she was glad
she could follow her mother’s wishes and not just assume
what mom would have wanted.
• If you are the older adult. Don’t be shy. Express
your wishes, whether they are solicited or not. Go ahead and
write a few notes, or even write your own obituary. Don’t
listen to the people who say it’s bad luck to do so. We
will all die someday; it’s just a matter of timing. Put
your notes or your obituary with your will or give them to your
child. This is very important if you feel strongly about how
you will be remembered. Does your child know what organizations
you have been active in? Do they remember the important details
of your work experience?
• What to include. You can always call The Transcript (206-441-4553)
and request an obituary form. This will help you cover all the
bases, but don’t limit yourself to the form. Of course,
we want to know where and when the loved one was born, where
he or she went to school, what kind of work — volunteer
and for pay — he or she did, what organizations he or she
was affiliated with, who they left behind, their military record,
hobbies and other interests. This is not a paid notice, so don’t
worry about taking up too much space. Your notice will be edited
lightly to conform to Transcript style, but we seldom get an
obituary that is too long.
• What if my mother didn’t work? Then tell us how
she spent her time. What was she known for? Everyone leaves
a mark. Maybe she did volunteer work or was known as the person
neighborhood kids all called mom. Please, don’t just tell
us, “She will be missed by all.”
• What if my parent or grandparent dies suddenly? Most
of us will go without warning. This is the most challenging
time for loved ones to write an obituary, but when isn’t
this task difficult? Don’t use this as an excuse to pass
up an opportunity to create a lasting tribute through a detailed
obituary. Talk to friends and relatives. Information gathering
may even aid the grieving process. If the rabbi comes over for
a visit to talk about a eulogy, take notes during the discussion
or ask another relative to do so.
• The funeral home offered to take care of it. Pass up
this offer. Funeral homes send us the most boring, generic obituaries
of all. They have a formula and they stick to it, because they
have very little time to do something more. Did your loved one’s
life fit into a formula? At the very least, edit the funeral
home obituary for special placement in The Transcript by adding
the Jewish parts of their life. Remember, we don’t charge
for the space. Assign the job to someone else if you feel you
cannot possibly write the obituary yourself. Have a cousin or
an aunt or uncle gather the information and then you can edit
what they write.
• Call me for help. If you have a copy of our form and
you still don’t know how to proceed, please call me and
ask for help. I will do my best to find the time to help you.
• Don’t be afraid to be creative. In a recent issue
of the paper, we ran an obituary that really touched me even
though I had never met the person who died. The daughters decided
to tell us a little more about their father than most people
choose to do (especially those families who leave this important
task up to the funeral home). Here are my favorite sentences
from that obituary: “He also loved to hunt for bargains
and enjoyed discussing the latest specials. He was a firm believer
in the power of scotch tape and used it to mend nearly everything.”
Of course, this is not something you could say about everyone.
And that’s my point. Write the kind of obituary that could
only be written about your loved one. You will honor him or
her with the proper amount of attention and respect. And you
will help the newspaper do a better job of keeping track of
the lifecycle of our community. |
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